The Bat Bogey Collection
by bloodsucking vampire girl
Summary: One-Shot's of how conversations and scenes from the book would have taken place if Harry had been a little more sarcastic, manipulative and insulting.
1. Pedophile

_Title: Pedophile_

_Scene: Book Two, Lockhart and Harry in Florish and Blotts_

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"It can't be Harry Potter?"

Harry quickly rolled his eyes in the direction of the older blond man, Gilderoy Lockart, and then schooled his features into a look of innocence.

Beside him Ron shuddered slightly.

"Why can't I be?" Harry asked, his voice filled with childlike innocence.

"Eh?" Lockhart asked, confused.

"You said 'it can't be Harry Potter...' well what makes you so sure I'm not?"

Lockhart blinked. He then forced the confusion to leave his face and let out a loud laugh that reminded Harry of tinkling bells.

He inwardly shuddered.

"Ahh! A jokester are you lad?" he said, still chuckling heartily.

"No not really" Harry replied.

Beside him Ron snorted.

"Not really my ass" Harry heard his best friend mutter under his breath.

Then, before Harry could even blink Lockhart had him by the arm and was dragging him to the front.

"Nice big smile Harry" Lockhart said, flashing his teeth to the audience. "Together you and I are worth the front page."

"PEDOPHILE!" Harry yelled, letting a look of mock-disgust to spread across his face.

Silence desended across the shop.

"Harry what on earth are you talking about?" Lockhart laughed, giving the boy a bewildered look at the same time.

"You said 'together you and I are worth the front page'" Harry said. "But there's no way I want to be _together _with someone whose old enough to be my father!"

Lockhart blanched.

"Now, now that's not what I meant..." he said, hurriedly. Then after a moment: "And what do you mean old enough to be your father?"

"If your not a pedofile then why won't you get your hands of me? Your holding my awfully close for someone with absolutely no bad intentions."

Lockhart let go of Harry as if burned as the entire shop broke out into whispers.

"Yes...well" Lockhart looked uncomfortable. "I...guess this isn't the best time to make a little announcement?"

When no one answered Lockhart quickly continued.

"This year I will be the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts!"

Harry frowned.

"You know...I'm not too sure of what Dumbledore was thinking...I mean hiring a pedophile..."

"Harry, I'm not a pedophile" Lockhart replied, now beginning to scowl.

"Then why do you sound so defensive?" Harry asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Look..." Lockhart barely managed to bite back a growl. "Why don't you go and...look, just go alright!"

Harry smiled.

"You know...you scared me a lot with you pedopholic actions today" he stated.

"They weren't -"

"- I think you should make it up to me" Harry gave him a dimpled smile. "Some free books would be nice."

Lockhart sighed.

"Fine."

"And...for my friend Ron" Harry added.

"...Fine."

"And Ron's sister Ginny."

"F...ine."

"And his twin brothers..."

"F...i...n...e..."

"And his other brother Percy..."

"FINE!" The shop grew silent as Lockhart yelled. Taking a deep breath he sank back into his chair, burying his head in his hands. "Fine...just fine. Take the damn books and go!"

"Thankyou Mr. Pedofile!" Harry said, cheerily.

* * *

**AN:**

**Love it? Hate it? Caught in between?**

**Review and tell me what you think!**

**XOXO - nat**


	2. Disaster Date

_Title: Diasaster Date_

_Scene: Book five, Cho & Harry's date_

_

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_

It had been just over an hour and Harry was already sick and tired of this date. Cho Chang too – he was sick of her just as much.

He couldn't help but wonder what had ever caught his interest. For Merlin's sake there were enough tears in her to flood Hogwarts!

'_Maybe I'm being insensitive…' _Harry thought but then shook this off. He was on a date, as was she – it would simply be kind courtesy to wait until said date was over before breaking down completely! _He'd _been the one to witness Cedric's death and he wasn't constantly in tears!

"So Harry – what do you think?"

Harry sighed as the present moment rushed back to him.

"Uh…" to tell the truth he had no idea what had been going on.

Time to change the subject.

"Er… listen, d'you want to come with me to the Three Broomsticks at lunchtime? I'm meeting Hermione Granger there."

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say as Cho's face suddenly turned deadly. Harry inwardly shuddered – he hadn't known that pretty Cho Chang was able to look that way.

"You're meeting Hermione Granger? Today?"

Ahh…so Cho had gotten the wrong idea. Hmm…Harry supposed that he should fix this before it got out of hand…

…but of course, being Harry, his way of 'fixing things' usually got him a good slap on the face.

"You've got the complete wrong idea" Harry informed Cho.

"Do I?" Cho sounded very sour.

Harry smiled.

"Oh yes…I'm not seeing Hermione in the way that your insinuating. However…you seem very eager to accuse me of doing so…" Harry raised one eyebrow.

Cho narrowed her eyes.

"Excuse me?" she said.

Harry beamed.

"You're excused" he said, cheerfully.

There was an awkward pause in which Cho narrowed her eyes and Harry continued to beam.

Then:

"He asked me out, you know," Cho said. "A couple of weeks ago. Roger. I turned him down, though."

Harry raised one eyebrow.

"And you act as if I'm rude" he said, his voice taking on a slightly amazed tone. "Do you usually say things like that on dates?"

He glanced over at Rodger – who was currently in a make out session with his date – and then turned back to Cho.

"Besides, Rodger doesn't look like he's missing you too much" he added.

Cho scowled.

"I'm surprised you don't get slapped on a regular basis" she ground out. Harry studied her face. Hmm…it looked like he had made her mad.

Nothing new there.

"Oh I do" he said offhandedly. "Usually by Hermione but I shouldn't say that…you'd probably get the wrong idea" he paused and studied her face. "Oh lookie there, you already have."

Cho gritted her teeth.

"_Always _Hermione Granger" she spat out.

"Do you always get things this wrong? I can't help but wonder how you're a Ravenclaw if you do" Harry said.

Cho looked ready to set him on fire with her eyes.

"…I came here with Cedric last year" she said after a moment.

"That's good for you" was Harry's reply.

Cho gritted her teeth but continued.

"I've been meaning to ask you for ages… did Cedric - did he - m - m - mention me at all before he died?"

It was funny how people could go from furious to devastated in such little time. Harry wondered if Cho had bipolar.

Then he raised at eyebrow at her question.

"Once again I question the Sorting Hat's sanity in sorting you into Ravenclaw – you really are an idiot."

Cho gaped at him.

"Cedric was hit by the killing curse" Harry continued without even looking at her. "Do you think he had any time to say anything? Even if he did I'd bet it would have been something on the lines of 'Oh shit', not…well anything to do with you."

Harry paused and took in the look on Cho's face.

"…No offence or anything."

Five minutes later Harry was rubbing the red handprint-shaped mark on his cheek and grumbling to himself.

* * *

**AN:**

**As you can probably tell, I don't like Cho very much.**

**Have any requests for the next chapter? What scene would you like to see?**

**Review please.**

**XOXO - Nat**


	3. Albus Severus

_Title: Albus Severus_

_Scene: Book 7, Epilogue - Albus asks Harry what would happen if he was sorted into Slytherin._

* * *

Harry smiled down at his youngest son and bent down to hug him.

"Bye Al" he said, once he had pulled back. "Don't forget Hagrid's invited you to tea next Friday. Don't mess with Peeves. Don't - oh for Merlin's sake how many of these things are there? You know what Al just forget everything I said - you're mother's just overprotective" Harry crumpled up the list of 'ways to stay out of trouble' that Ginny had given him and chucked it at the train tracks.

He then turned back to Al.

"You should probably go before the train leaves" he said.

Al trembled slightly.

"What if I'm a Slytherin?" he said this so softly that his voice was barely audible.

Harry crouched down in front of his son and looked him in the eyes - his eyes, his mothers eyes.

"Albus Severus."

Harry lowered his voice so that only Albus could here. "If you were to be sorted into Slytherin I would probably divorce your mother as it was her idea to give you a Slytherin's name - but no pressure or anything."

Al gulped.

**

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**AN: **

**And yet another chapter. Hope you liked it.**

**Also, check out my fic 'marrying your worst enemy.' It's a marauders era humor fic and you might enjoy it.**

**Review please!**

**XOXO - Nat**


	4. Sugar High Sorting part 1

_Title: Sugar-High Sorting Part 1_

_Scene: Book one, the sorting ceremony_

* * *

Harry watched as Professor McGonagall (he snickered - for some reason the name reminded him of 'seagul') stepped forward, holding a role of parchment.

"When I call your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted," she said. "Abbott, Hannah!"

Harry watched as a plump, blond girl walked up to the stage.

"She's pudgy" he observed. Then he snickered: "Pudgy! Don't you think that names funny Ron? Pudgy. Pud-pud-pudgy! Pudgy!"

He let out a giggle. Beside him Ron groaned.

"I knew it was a bad idea to let you have all that sugar on the train" he groaned.

Before either of them could say anything else the next name was called.

"Susan Bones!"

"Oh wow" Harry gasped. "Susan Bones! Only she really isn't that skinny - she's like, a step away from pudgy. So her last name really doesn't fit her...maybe we should trade. After all my relatives pretty much molded me to fit that name...and besides I don't think I fit my last name - I can't do much good with clay. Do you think that Susan would be able to be a good potter and make nice teapots?"

Ron gaped at him.

"No I 'spose not. Never mind then..."

"Boot, Terry!"

"Oh wow" Harry murmured, repeating his earlier comment. "Ron can you see what shoes he's wearing?"

The redhead sighed, exasperated.

"Why Harry?"

"'Cause I wanna see if he's wearing boots or not!"

Ron groaned.

"Never, ever eat sugar! I'm going to make it my life's goal to make sure you never eat another drop again!"

"You'll live a life of a failure then" Harry replied, turning his attention back to the sorting.

Harry noticed that 'Bulstrode, Millicent' was the first Slytherin. He snickered.

"Bulstrode. That's worse than pudgy!"

"Yes Harry" Ron sighed, deciding to humor the sugar-high boy.

The sorting continued and suddenly Ron reached out and grabbed Harry's arm.

"It's that annoying girl from the train - Hermit Ranger!"

"Granger, Hermione!"

"Hmm...close but not quite Ron" Harry replied, cheerfully.

When she was sorted into Gryffindor Ron let out a wail of despair.

"I see it now!" Harry announced, dramatically. "You will marry her some day and have too children named Bose and Pugo...wait that doesn't sound quite right..."

"Of course it doesn't" Ron retorted. "Cause it's _not true!"_

Harry stayed silent for the rest of the sorting ceremony until...

"NEVILLE _LONGBOTTOM!"_

Ron groaned.

"God Ron, Neville Longbottom...who the hell would curse their child with such a horrible name? Longbottom...hey Ron do you think his butt's particularly..._long?"_

"Shut up" Ron groaned.

"Though I 'spose it's not as bad as Drakie Melon..."

Ron raised an eyebrow.

"Do I even want to know who that is?" he asked.

"Oh he's that annoying ponce from the train" Harry replied, cheerfully.

Ron shook his head in amusement.

"I think you mean Draco Malfoy..."

"Nope I'm pretty sure it's Drakie Melon..."

"Malfoy, Draco!"

Harry frowned.

"Kay, maybe I was wrong..."

The sorting continued in a simular manor to this until finally:

"Potter, Harry!"

* * *

**AN:**

**Hope you liked this!**

**Tell me what your fav part is...please...**

**And don't forget to review**

**XOXO - Nat!**


	5. Sugar High Sorting part 2

Immediately whispers filled the hall.

_"Potter _did she say?"

Harry frowned.

"Yes...I might not be very good at making teapots but that's no reason to judge me."

_"The _Harry Potter?"

"YES you idiot, that's what she bloody said!" Harry snapped.

McGonagall coughed.

"Mr. Potter..."

"YES, THAT'S ME!"

There was a pause.

"Well then...come along."

Harry complied and sat on the chair. The sorting hat fell on top of his head and the last thing he saw was the school staring at him in amazement (god, didn't these people have anything better to do?) before the hat covered his eyes and everything went dark.

_"Hmm..." _

Harry jumped at the sound of a voice in his head.

'God' he thought. 'I've gone insane...'

_'Difficult...'_

'How difficult can it be to tell if I'm insane or not?'

_'You aren't insane...'_

'Oh goodie' Harry thought, dryly. 'The voice in my head is denying the fact that I'm insane...'

_'Plently of courage...'_

'The voice in my head isn't exactly modest...' Harry mused.

_'I'm not the voice in your head...'_

'Sure you aren't...'

_'Not a bad mind either...'_

'God' Harry thought, wrinkling his nose. 'Now you sound like your flirting with me.'

_'If I could shudder I would...now...there's talent...'_

'Is it possible to have your own mind hit on you? ...Wait...that's like I'm hitting on myself...oh god I'm in love with myself! I'm narcissistic!"

_'You have a nice thirst to prove yourself...'_

'I have a thirst to prove that I'm not crazy' Harry thought back, irritated and still a little worried about being in love with himself.

_'You aren't in love with yourself.'_

'The voice in my head tells me denies that I'm in love with myself...that makes me feel so much better...'

_'Shut up.'_

'You can't tell me to shut up...I'm the one in charge here Mr. Voice...'

_'If you don't shut up I'll put you in Slytherin.'_

'You mean the snake house?' Harry thought. 'I don't mind too much...I rather like snakes.'

_'...'_

_'NO! You are meant to HATE Slytherin...'_

'My inner voice is very malicious.'

_'Say you don't want to be put in Slytherin!'_

'...Why should I say that?'

_'...Not Slytherin ey?'_

Harry was now certain that his 'inner voice' was insane. After all, one minute it had sounded crazed and now it sounded completely normal...

...and...

'I never said 'not Slytherin''

_'Are you sure? You could be great you know...it's all here and Slytherin would help you...'_

'Hold it, hold it! I never said anything about not wanting to be in Slytherin...'

_'Are you sure? Alright then...'_

_"GRYFFINDOR!"_

'WHAT? But I never said...I didn't even want to be in Gryffindor...wait...come on...please...where did you go...wait! Inner Voice here me out...come on...RED CLASHES WITH MY EYES DAMMIT!'

It was no use. McGonagall had pulled the hat of his head and was shooing him of to Gryffindor table.

* * *

**AN:**

**Didya like it? Hope you did! Tell me your fav part, kay?**

**XOXO - Nat!**


	6. Suicidal Werewolves

_Title: Suicidal Werewolves._

_Scene: Book Three, Sirius and Remus telling their story to Harry, Ron and Hermione in the Shrieking Shack._

* * *

Harry sighed.

Black and Lupin still hadn't given up on insisting that Ron's pet rat was really the person who had killed Harry's parent's. For Merlin's sake just _saying _something like that was enough to get you thrown into a mental asylum!

"If you're going to tell them the story, get a move on, Remus," said Black. "I've waited twelve years, I'm not going to wait much longer."

That, too, would probably get you thrown in a mental asylum.

"Alright, alright" Lupin said. "But you need to help me Sirius...I only know how it began..."

Well that sure was going to make him think that they weren't mental - they didn't even know what they were saying!

Suddenly the sound of the bedroom door creaking made them all turn around and stare.

"No ones there..." murmured Lupin.

"This place is haunted!" wailed Ron.

_'No Ron, it's not' _thought Harry, rolling his eyes.

"It's not," said Lupin. "The Shrieking Shack was never haunted… The screams and howls the villagers used to hear were made by me."

What. The. Hell.

"Made...by..._you?" _Harry stared at the man, incredulously. "You're telling me that once in a while you feel a bit bored so you come in here and freak out some poor, unsuspecting villagers?"

"Well no..." Lupin started but Harry cut him off.

"Then what? Oh Merlin...you aren't some sort of serial killer are you? That would explain the shrieks...or wait...are you in a...sexual relationship with Black? After all you said he knew the whole story and that would explain the loud shrieks and moans..."

"NO!" Black and Lupin stared at Harry in horror.

"Harry he probably comes in here one night a month to transform" Hermione sighed.

"Right you are" Lupin said, still sounding a bit shaky. "Well...it all started when I became a werewolf..."

He paused when Harry lifted his hand.

"Yes Harry?"

"Could I get some popcorn please?" Harry asked, shooting Lupin a puppy dog look. "This might get good."

Lupin scowled.

"No. Anyway I was a small boy when I received the bite..."

"That's a perfect liner for an angst/tragedy story" Harry commented.

Lupin continued as if he hadn't heard him.

"Back then there was no cure...it's much better now with the wolf's bane potion. As long as I take it a week before the full moon I will be perfectly harmless. I am now able to curl up in my office and wait for the night to pass."

"Oh wonderful. A werewolf loose in the school. That makes me feel so great. Thank you Professor Dumbledore for insuring school safety for everyone!" Harry announced in a falsely chipper voice.

"However, before the wolfs bane potion was created I became a full fledged monster during the full moon."

Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Well that just made me feel a thousand times better about having a werewolf for a professor" he paused. "Hey Professor Lupin - all this talk about the wolfs bane potion and all...you did remember to take it right?"

There was a moment of silence.

Lupin's eyes grew wide and he glanced down at the battered watch on his wrist.

"Still have time..." he muttered.

"I'll take that as a no."

Beside Harry, Ron squeaked in terror.

"I didn't have any hope that I would ever make it to Hogwarts back then" Lupin said, continuing on with his tale. "Other parent's weren't likely to want their children exposed to me."

"Oh I wonder why" Harry stage-whispered.

"Harry!" Hermione scolded. "That was rude!"

Lupin shrugged his shoulders.

"Yes, but it is true" he sighed. "But then Dumbledore became Headmaster and was much more sympathetic. He said that as long as we took certain precautions, there was no reason I couldn't come to Hogwarts..."

"No reason at all" Harry piped up. "After all having a bloodthirsty monster roaming the grounds of a school where curious young students run free isn't a problem. Not at all."

"Yes well - I told you months ago that the Whomping Willow was planted during the time when I came to Hogwarts. The truth is, it was planted _because _I came here. This house is the tunnel leads to it - it was built for my use. When I was a student I came here during the full moon to transform-"

"And what if a student became curious and came in?" Harry asked, raising one eyebrow.

Lupin and Black looked sheepish.

"Uh-oh. That doesn't look promising" Harry commented.

_"Someone came in?" _Ron squeaked in horror. Hermione gaped at them.

"Well it was only Snape..." Black started.

"Yes, yes and that's perfectly alright!" Harry snapped. "Merlin, you really are insane!"

"No wait! Harry!" Black protested. "It's a long story and I won't bother to get into it but you have to believe us, it wasn't our fault! Snape was being a git so I told him about this place and he-"

Harry, Ron and Hermione stared at him in horror.

"...Well...he survived didn't he?" Black said this rather weakly.

The three student's continued to stare.

Lupin coughed.

"Well then" he said, briskly. "My transformations in those days were — were terrible. It is very painful to turn into a werewolf. I was separated from humans to bite, so I bit and scratched myself instead."

"So you weren't just a werewolf but also a suicidal teenager, desperate to inflict self harm on yourself?" Harry asked, finally coming out of the shock that Black's revelation had caused.

Lupin wisely ignored him and carried on.

"The villagers heard the noise and the screaming-"

"So you were a _loud _suicidal teenager."

"-and thought they were hearing particularly violent spirits. Dumbledore encouraged the rumor… Even now, when the house has been silent for years, the villagers don't dare approach it…"

"I wonder why."

"But apart from my transformations I was happier than I'd ever been in my life."

Harry stared at him.

"Alright..." he said, slowly. "Because that's _perfectly _normal..."

"Because I had the best friend's in the world and -"

Just then there was a rustling sound and Snape appeared, scowling, standing in the doorway of the room.

Lupin stared.

"What..." he started but then ropes burst out of the other mans wand and bound him.

Harry stared.

And stared some more.

And then he turned to Ron and Hermione.

"This is too insane for even my liking" he stated.

"Harry! Harry tell him the truth!" Black yelled.

"What truth? All I learnt from your story was that Dumbledore is insane, you are insane, Lupin is insane and my dad was probably insane for hanging out with you - oh yeah, and that Lupin had suicidal tendancies but your 'bromance' was enough to help him overcome his problem. What was the point of all that again?"

"THE POINT WAS TO TELL YOU THAT RON'S RAT IS REALLY PETER PETTIGREW A.K.A WORMTAIL WHO SOLD YOUR PARENT'S OUT TO VOLDEMORT AFTER HE WAS MADE THEIR SECRET KEEPER, THEN BLEW UP A STREET OF MUGGLES, TRANSFORMED INTO HIS RAT FORM - BY THE WAY, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT HIM, YOUR DAD AND I WERE ANIMAGI - AND DISAPPEARED INTO THE SEWERS AFTER CHOPPING HIS FINGER OFF, BLAMING THE ENTIRE MESS ON ME!"

Harry stared at him.

"...Huh."

* * *

**AN:**

**Lol, hoped you liked that. It was surprisingly long for a BBC (Bat Bogey Collection) one-shot...usually there pretty short...**

**Anyways, revew please! Also check out my other fics...if you like Vampire Academy I have quite a few, however, if you don't I have another Harry Potter one you might like.**

**XOXO - Natalie**


	7. Deformities

_Title: Deformities_

_Scene: Book Three, Harry's first divination lesson._

* * *

Harry sighed. It was his first Divination lesson and he really wasn't that impressed. That may have had something to do with the fact that the teacher hadn't even shown up yet.

Or it could have been the fact that the room reeked.

"Where is she?" Ron asked.

Suddenly a voice came out of the shadows.

"Welcome," it said. "How nice to see you in the physical world at last."

Harry grinned.

"Cool!" he exclaimed. "This would make such a good horror movie scene!"

Then the woman stepped out of the shadows and gave everyone a good look of herself.

"...or not..."

The woman looked like a gypsy, owl hybrid covered with too much jewelry. A gauzy shawl was wrapped around her thin shoulders and seemed to shimmer in the light.

Harry shuddered.

"Welcome to Divination," said Professor Trelawney, who had seated herself in a winged armchair in front of the fire. "My name is Professor Trelawney. You may not have seen me before. I find that descending too often into the hustle and bustle of the main school clouds my Inner Eye."

"Inner eye? What the hell is that - some sort of deformity?" Harry asked, frowning slightly.

When no one answered him Harry sighed and dozed off. It wasn't as if any of this was interesting - Trelawney blabbered on about her deformity and at one point, Hermione looked quite startled and Ron looked amused. Harry frowned.

"It isn't nice to laugh about deformities. Just because some people are different, doesn't give you the right to judge them" he said, disapprovingly.

"..._What _are you going on about?" Ron asked, bemused.

"You boy" Harry turned his attention back to Trelawney, who had turned _her _attention over to Neville. "Is your grandmother well?"

"I think so" Neville replied.

"It's a sad, sad day when a grandson doesn't know how his own grandmother is doing" Harry stated. "_I _for one know perfectly well how my dear granny is doing. In fact" he paused as if to think; "I'd say she's having a lovely maggot mud bath in her grave right now. Not very relaxing but then, who am I to judge?"

"Mate you are insane" Ron stated after a moment of silence in which everyone stared at Harry.

"I wouldn't be so sure if I were you dear" Trelawney told Neville, as if Harry had never spoken.

"Howdya know that? Do you stalk the woman or something?" Harry asked. Neville gulped; whether for Trelawney's answer or Harry's question he didn't know.

"We will be covering the basic methods of Divination this year. The first term will be devoted to reading the tea leaves. Next term we shall progress to palmistry. By the way, my dear," Trelawney paused her speech to shoot a glance at Parvati Patil, "beware a red-haired man."

Harry coughed.

"Gee, I wonder who that could be? Don't you Ron?" he nudged his best friend in the ribs.

"Knock it off!" Ron grumbled.

"Oh wow Ron - I think Trelawney really loves you. She must think your a natural at this divination thing, a star student - look she's spreading the news about you already! Oh, I'm so jealous - why can't I have girls warned about me?"

Ron glanced at Harry, despairingly.

"In the second term," Professor Trelawney went on, "we shall progress to the crystal ball — if we have finished with fire omens, that is. Unfortunately, classes will be disrupted in February by a nasty bout of flu."

"Too bad I didn't get my flu vaccination - my relatives car happened to 'break down' the day they informed my school they would be taking me to get my injections done. If I die make sure to tell the Dursley's it was all their fault. I'm sure it will make their day" Harry said this in a deadpanned voice.

"I myself will lose my voice."

"Oh what a tragedy!" Harry said, dramatically.

"And around Easter, one of our number will leave us for ever."

There was a slight pause at this.

"Well then" Trelawney continued, as if completely unaware of what she had just said. "Why don't we begin the lesson?"

"This is going to be a great class, don't you think?" Harry asked Ron in an overly cheerful voice.

The response was the sound of a head banging on the desk.

* * *

**AN:**

**Like it? Please tell me what your fav part was - and give me ideas for scenes to use because one of the reasons I took so long to update this was because I couldn't think of anything good.**

**It then took even longer to update because my 'edit' button wouldn't work and I couldn't post the chapter!**

**XOXO - Nat**


	8. Gollum Incarnate

_Title: Gollum Incarnate_

_Scene: Book Two, Harry and Dobby's first meeting_

* * *

When Harry had stepped into his bedroom he had expected to find it empty - just as he had left it. He had _not _however expected to find the Gollum Incarnate that was sitting on his bed.

That thing was just...creepy.

This thought was intensified when Harry realised that this was the thing that had been watching him from the bushes today. Oh Merlin...it was a stalker Gollum Incarnate!

And here he had thought that it would be a boring day.

At that moment the horror that Harry had been feeling intensified; Dudley's voice had just sounded from downstairs.

"May I take your coats, Mr. and Mrs. Mason?"

The Gollum Incarnate climbed of the bed, stepped onto the floor and bowed. His long nose touched the carpet and Harry noticed that he was wearing what looked to be a pillow case...

...it was obvious that the creature had no sense of fashion whatsoever.

"Harry Potter!" said the creature in a high-pitched voice - Harry silently cursed it. The voice would certainly carry downstairs...the last thing he wanted was for Fat-Man Dursley to invade his personal space. "So long has Dobby wanted to meet you, sir… Such an honor it is…"

Harry thought he should probably ask who the creature was. It would be the polite thing to do; the unpolite thing would be to ask _what_ the creature was.

Of course, Harry being who he was went with the latter.

"What are you?"

"I am a house elf, sir" the creature replied.

"Oh" Harry replied. He decided to attempt to be a bit more polite...

"What's your name?"

"Dobby sir. Just Dobby" the creature - Dobby - replied.

Alright. He had been nice enough (cough cough) but it was time for Dobby to get out of his room before it was too late.

"Oh — really?" said Harry. "Er — I don't want to be rude or anything, but — could you just...jump out that window over there?"

Dobby stared at him with wide eyes.

"It's not the way it sounds, honestly" Harry soothed. "I'm not telling you to commit suicide by jumping to your death. But you honestly need to get out of my room - and you can't use the front door. If you do the Mason's will see you and then Fat-Man Dursley will probably lock me up in here."

Dobby continued to stare at him with wide eyes.

"Now don't look at me that way" Harry sighed. "I am pleased to meet you but...well...now's not the best time."

"Ahh but Harry Potter sir...Dobby is needing to tell you something important..."

"I'm sure it can wait until later" Harry said briskly. "Right now you need to go."

"But sir...sir there is a..."

The sound of a window creaking open stopped him abruptly.

"There you go" Harry said, turning around. "Now just jump out."

"Harry Potter sir!" Dobby protested and then abruptly stopped himself. "Bad Dobby...Bad Dobby" he muttered, banging his head on the wall.

"WHAT IN THE BLAZES IS GOING ON UP THERE?"

Harry blanched.

"Fat-Man Dursley heard us! Shit! Dobby, come here!" he hissed, grabbing the house-elves thin arm.

"Harry Potter..." Dobby started but was once again interrupted as he was shoved on the window pain. His eyes grew even wider (if that was possible).

"Out you go" Harry said cheerfully. "Now don't be afraid" he added, in response to Dobby's trembling. "The rose bush will catch your fall...plus you aren't human! I bet you have super strength or something."

Dobby shook harder.

"Harry Potter sir...Dobby is being a bad house elf saying this but...Dobby is afraid of heights..."

His voice trailed of and he screamed as he was shoved out of the window.

"See you later Dobby!" Harry called down to the house elf.

"B-b-but...Harry Potter sir...Dobby is needing to say something..."

The window banged shut.

* * *

**AN:**

**Well, Harry certainly seemed psycotic in this story. Hope you liked it! Tell me what your fav part was!**

**XOXO - Nat**


	9. Chicken and Rats

_Title: Chicken and Rats_

_Scene: Book four, Harry Ron and Hermione meet up with Sirius in the cave._

* * *

Harry hummed absentmindedly as he, Hermione and Ron walked down the unfamiliar path to the place where Sirius had organized for them to meet up.

"Would you stop that?" Hermione asked in irritation. Harry simply continued to hum.

Suddenly a familiar black dog came into view.

"Sirius!" Harry exclaimed. The dog bounded towards him and sniffed Harry's bag eagerly. He then turned and trotted in the other direction. The trio followed him.

Once they had gone a fair distance away, and were in the shelter of a deep cave, Sirius transformed back into his human form.

"Have you been wearing the same clothes since your escape from Azkaban?" Harry asked, a bit of horror tinging his voice.

Sirius pouted.

"I come all the way to see you and that's all you can say?"

Harry opened his mouth to answer but was interrupted with an exclamation of: "Chicken!"

Harry scowled.

"I decide to grace you with an answer to your question and all you can do is demand food?"

Sirius, ignoring Harry, reached forward and rummaged around in the bag that Harry had slung over his shoulder.

"How rude!" Harry commented to Ron and Hermione who simply rolled their eyes.

"Thanks" Sirius said, once he had found what he was looking for (a chicken drumstick).

"You're welcome" Harry replied, sarcastically.

"And the King of Sarcasm strikes again" Ron whispered to Hermione.

"Mmmm..." Sirius muttered. "This is good - I've been mostly living of rats lately."

Harry raised one eyebrow.

"Does this have something to do with the resentment you hold for Peter? Because if it does...it's slightly disturbing to tell you the truth..."

Sirius scowled.

"It has nothing to do with that. I can't get any good food lately, that's all..."

"Is this your way of saying 'pity me Harry. I'm an innocent man who has been accused of horrible things - if you are a good Godson you will give me good food on a regular basis'?" Harry asked.

"No!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Where does he come up with these things?" Hermione muttered.

* * *

**AN:**

**Somehow I don't think that this was as good as any of the other chapters but oh well - review please...**

**...oh and also check out my story 'Marrying your worst enemy.'**

**XOXO - Nat **


	10. A Very Bad Day

_Title: A Very Bad Day_

_Scene: Book Two, Harry and Tom after Harry is bitten by the basilik in the chamber._

Harry was having a very bad day.

First, Ginny had been taken into the chamber of secrets.

Then he had been convinced to go after her, therefore endangering his life _again._

Then it turned out that Ginny's frickin' diary was psychotic and wanted to control the word…or something like that.

…Oh and he was also being _stalked _by said diary. How amazing was that.

And did he forget to mention that said diary was Voldemort?

Now if all that wasn't bad as it was, Mr. Voldemort in a Diary (Lets call him Mr. VIAD shall we?) apparently had a pet snake. A BIG pet snake. One with a killer gaze and scary, venomous fangs. Of course, he had ended up fighting it (with a bit of help from Fawks and the Sorting Hat) and had killed it.

Unfortunately, he had been ended up with a fang sticking out of his arm and now lay on the ground dying.

However, though all this was bad, the worst thing of all was what was currently going on. Mr. VIAD wouldn't shut the hell up! Honestly, give a dying boy some piece and quiet, will ya?

From his position on the floor, Harry scowled.

"This is bloody fantastic" Harry said, his voice only a hoarse whisper. "This is what, the third time something like this has happened? The forth?"

Suddenly the bloody phoenix started crying on him.

"Ahh, don't worry Fawks" Harry mumbled, a slight slur dragging on his words. "Somethin' al…ways happ'ns in deese situations…it..s…like tha unee…verrrrse is workin' in my…fa…v…o…r…"

It was almost impossible to understand what Harry was now saying.

"You're dead, Harry Potter," said Mr. VIAD voice above him. "Dead. Even Dumbledore's bird knows it. Do you see what he's doing, Potter? He's crying."

'_Did he not understand what I just said?' _Harry thought, mockingly. Then: _'Well…probably not.'_

"I'm going to sit here and watch you die, Harry Potter. Take your time. I'm in no hurry."

'_Merlin, did this idiot ever shut up? What was his problem?'_

"So ends the famous Harry Potter," said Mr. VIAD. "Alone in the Chamber of Secrets, forsaken by his friends, defeated at last by the Dark Lord he so unwisely challenged.

"Merr-in sha-up!" moaned Harry, squeezing his eyes shut.

'_I never challenged you, you bloody idiot, you're the one who decided to challenge a ONE YEAR OLD BABY who, I might add, DEFEATED you!'_

'…_And how the hell did my friends 'forsake' me?'_

'_Also I'm not exactly alone…I have an old tattered hat that sprouts insane sentences, a bird with a serious case of depression, a self-absorbed diary/dark wizard hybrid and an unconscious girl…you know what maybe I would be better of alone…'_

"Of course…healing tears…I forgot…"

Riddles voice broke though Harry's brief thinking episode.

"Huh? What happened?" he asked, and then beamed. "Hey my voice is back to normal!"

Let's just skip over the boring parts – after all, you know that Harry stabbed the diary with the basilisk fang, therefore thwarting Riddle a.k.a Mr. VIAD and ended up saving Ginny; And what does our hero have to say about this?

"Ugh…I save the girl and what do I get? No hero praise…no look of adoration…not even a 'Harry thank you so much for destroying the evil diary and getting rid of the scary snake. What would I have ever done without you?'…no, all I get is a flood of tears and one hysterical girl…godammit…"

Silence.

"Ugh…hey Mr. Sorting Hat…you got an umbrella in there by any chance?"

**AN:**

**Was that okay? I wrote this in the middle of the night, while I was dead tired, so I have no idea if this is any good or not...**

**...Review please, and give me your opinion. Also, ideas for scenes for future chapters?**

**XOXO - Nat**


	11. I Really Gotta Go!

_Title: I Really Gotta Go!_

_Scene: Book Five, Harry's Trial_

* * *

When Harry walked into the Court Room, the first words he received were "you're late."

"Well sorry" he said, his sarcastic tone loud enough to carry across the large room. "I had an appointment at the spa this afternoon and I _could not _miss it. You do not know _how _important my weekly facial is. Having such smooth, luscious skin isn't easy you know!"

When he had finished his sarcasm-fueled-rant he could feel the stares of many witches and wizards boring into his back.

"That was sarcasm in case you didn't know" Harry piped up. More silence and more stares.

"They were right – he really is crazy" someone whispered.

"Yes…well" Fudge said, regaining control of the situation. "Take a seat."

"I'd prefer to stand" Harry replied, using the Malfoy-drawl that he had spent countless hours over the break to master (hey – it was perfect for annoying the hell out of people!). "Severe arthritis you see. It hurts to bend my poor, poor joints so I try not to do so more than necessary – "

"POTTER!" yelled Fudge before halting his speech, breathing hard. "Just…stop. Sit down and don't speak until we give you permission to; and wipe that smirk of your face. Remember, we _do _have the power to expel you without a second thought."

"When they say 'power gets to your head' how do you think it affects the recipients? I always thought it makes their heads bigger but maybe it really shrinks them…explains why all power crazed maniacs are idiots. For example…Voldemort – hey stop flinching, it's just a name! – Dumbledore (sorry sir, but it_ is_ true) and…well you. I mean honestly Fudge, I'm surprised no one has mistaken your brain for a peanut and eaten it yet…oh I'm sorry. Touchy subject?"

Fudge was fuming.

"Potter…just…sit…" Fudge took a shuddering breath. If he wasn't so afraid of Dumbledore (not that he would admit this fact out loud) he would have already gotten the Auror's together and had them escort the idiot boy to Azkaban where he belonged.

Stupid Dumbledore always ruined his fun.

Harry, across the hall, was not fazed by Fudge's furious tone in the least. However, Mr. Weasley's little talk (more like plea) from outside came back to him.

_-FLASHBACK-_

"_Ahh…Mr. Weasley…we're kinda pushing time here…" Harry's voice trailed off and he shifted uncomfortably under the death-grip Mr. Weasley had on his shoulders. "I suppose it's okay if you want to delay my trial and possibly get me expelled, just because you feel the need to clutch my shoulders with a look of desperation on your face…which is pretty creepy actually…"_

_Mr. Weasley continued this action without even a falter._

"…_Where was I? Oh yeah…you can delay my trial if you really want…I'll just make up some excuse, y'know I'm pretty good at that stuff. I know! I can tell then I had an appointment at the spa scheduled for –"_

" – _NO!" roared Mr. Weasley. Harry blinked._

"_Okay…"_

"_Harry I am begging you" Mr. Weasley said, that look of desperation back on his face. "Do not use your…your…what's the word for it?"_

"_Gift?" Harry supplied._

"_Yes…gift. Do not use your 'gift' of the abilities of sarcasm and annoyance in that Court Room. Please. I am actually begging now Harry – look, my hands are clasped as if I am praying, which, in reality, I am…praying to God, Buddha, Allah, The Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster and whatever the hell else controls this damn universe… that you do not mess this up. Because I can assure you, from what I know and from what people have told me, you will. Now don't get upset. It's not that I don't like you Harry, I really, really do. It's just…as you said before…you have a gift…it's just not a very nice gift."_

_Mr. Weasley finished, giving Harry a kind, parental smile._

"_You suck" was all Harry said, before marching into the Court Room._

_-END FLASHBACK-_

Harry blinked, the world swimming back into focus. Why had he remembered that? What was the significance?

Oh yeah…Mr. Weasley had said not to use his 'gift' in the Court Room.

"Alright, alright I'll sit down!" Harry exploded, before realizing that Auror's were surrounding him. "Hey – what did I do?"

Fudge, gritting his teeth, replied; "You weren't following orders so I called them to restrain you and bring you to this chair!"

Harry blinked. He really needed to stop having flashbacks in public…

He scowled when he was lifted between two aurors and carried to the chair, then seated down.

"Finally" Fudge sighed looking relieved. "Now – the accused being present – let us begin. Are you ready?"

A very eager looking Percy Weasley opened his mouth to reply – when Harry's desperate voice interrupted him.

"Oh Good Merlin, I need to use the bathroom!"

Groans and mutters could be heard around the Court Room. Fudge closed his eyes, took a deep breath and then growled; "I will not fall for your tricks Potter. Stay seated and allow us to commence!"

"But I _reeeeeeeeeeallly _need to go!"

"Potter! Stay down! Weasley – you may begin!" Fudge snapped. Percy's whole face lighted up as if he had just been told that _he _had been made minister. He opened his mouth to speak – and was interrupted once again my you-know-who.

…No not Voldemort you ninny, the other you-know-who. What other you-know-who you ask? Good Lord, why did those wizards have to go nickname the most dangerous Dark Lord of the century 'You-Know-Who?' What about those poor party-goers who want to plan a secret birthday bash without the birthday boy/girl knowing. They would have every right to call the person 'You-know-who' to remain secretive…but no, the Wizards had to go and take their right away…if they even tried they'd probably get thrown in Azkaban for fraternizing with the enemy and planning cake and balloon filled fun for Voldemort…

…Anyway, if you must know I was referring to Harry. Who, standing up, yelled at the top of his lungs:

"I REALLY GOTTA GO!"

"POTTER! SIT DOWN! I WILL NOT STAND FOR ANY OF YOUR – _WHAT?"_

"Ahh…sir" said an middle-aged man from the front of the room. "I think he was being serious…"

"And why would you say that?" Fudge demanded, impatiently.

The man coughed and averted his eyes before gesturing in Harry's direction.

"Let's just say I hope you didn't like that chair too much."

* * *

**AN:**

**I hope you liked that. I might do a part two of the hearing … the actual hearing … later on. **

**Also, check out my new one-shot 'Hey! That's my line!' where Harry randomly starts spewing quotes that his enemies used in the many life-and-death situations he has been in. **

**Review please!**

**XOXO – Nat.**


	12. Best Friends Forever

_Title: Best Friends Forever_

_Scene: Book One, Ron and Harry's first meeting on the Hogwarts Express._

* * *

Harry leaned against the wall of his compartment, gazing at the door. He expected it to open any moment now and members of that red-haired lot to come pouring in. People with that much hero worship didn't just keep to themselves. Harry didn't know whether to be happy about the attention or just plain annoyed.

As he expected, a moment later the youngest red-haired boy came in.

"Anyone sitting there?" he asked. "Everywhere else is full."

"I highly doubt that" Harry replied, eyeing him lazily. "That's just your lame excuse for wanting to sit next to _the _Harry Potter and gawk at him."

Ron looked at him uncertainly.

"Don't worry" Harry assured him, shifting his position slightly. "I'm not acting like an obnoxious git; that title belongs solely to you."

Ron flushed red and opened his mouth angrily, probably to back talk Harry – he was, however, cut off before he could.

"I'm not insulting you."

Ron blinked, now utterly confused.

"Er…" he said.

Just then the red-headed twins walked into the compartment.

"Hey, Ron" they said. "Listen, we're going down the middle of the train — Lee Jordan's got a giant tarantula down there."

Ron, who was still gaping at Harry, didn't say anything.

"Harry" one of the twins said. "Did we introduce ourselves? Fred and George Weasley. And this is Ron, our brother. See you later then."

"Bye!" Harry called cheerfully. Ron continued to gawk.

"It's rude to stare" Harry pointed out, when Ron made no move to stop.

"Are you really Harry Potter?" the other boy asked after a moment.

"No" Harry replied. Ron blinked.

"Your not?"

"Yes."

"You…are?"

"No."

"Your not?"

"Yes."

"You aren't making any sense!"

"That's what you get for asking stupid questions" was Harry's answer. Ron flushed red.

"I don't get you!" he yelled. "Why do you need to be so rude?"

"I'm not being rude" Harry replied. "Your being delusional. You hit your head on the luggage compartment – your dreaming this."

Ron flung his arms in the air.

"You aren't making any sense!" he yelled. Harry beamed.

"I tend to do that" he said. "Wow you know my so well!" he leaned forward, still beaming. "Hey Ron – you have red hair!"

Ron stared.

"Alright, honestly mate, do you have a problem or something?"

"Oh, and already calling me mate!" Harry pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. Ron looked uncomfortable.

"I call everyone mate – except the Malfoy's of course but their the Malfoy's so they don't count…"

"You have blue eyes!"

Ron blinked.

"Yes I do but I don't see –"

"Hey what colour eyes do I have?" Harry asked, eagerly.

"Err…green…?" Ron said it more like a question than a statement. Harry's face morphed into an expression of amazement.

"Wow! You know me so well and I know you so well _and _we only just met – oh my, it's like we were destined to meet!"

"Uhh…"

"Let's be best friends forever!" Harry cried, flinging his arms around Ron.

"Gah…"

* * *

**AN:**

**And heres another chapter! PLEASE read and review my story, Hey! That's My Line!, I hardly have any reviews on it so I would appreciate it lots…**

**XOXO - Natalie**


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